The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
