We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize