So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
