My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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