I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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