one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
