Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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