my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
