You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
