i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
