i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
