woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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