What a fucking waste of an outfit
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
