Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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