Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
