all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
