im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
