I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
