after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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