HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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