you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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