so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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