I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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