I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
