He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
