I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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