My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
