in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize