I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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