oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
