1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
