I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
