I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
