We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
