meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
