i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize