You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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