We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
