I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
