Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
