Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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