i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
