he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
