Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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