Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(815): View more from Illinois

i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.

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(716): View more from New York

i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control

Fav 24 1485 3770
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(817): View more from Texas

My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.

Fav 20 1240 3062
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2017 7671
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(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

Fav 10 1189 1870
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(417): View more from Missouri

her dad gauges his nipple piercings.

Fav 8 677 1873
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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass

Fav 3 582 1266
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(470): View more from Georgia

I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him

Fav 0 23 56
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