i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
smell my finger.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
