Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
