saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
