at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
