my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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