i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize