I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
