: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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