wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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