Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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