I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
