I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
