god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
