I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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