help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
