the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish I only lived at night.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
